Sino ang ikaw sa akin?

Ikaw ang TAHANAN na aking inuuwian sa tuwing ako ay nawawala, napapagod at nasasaktan.  

Ikaw ang SUSI sa kandado ng tanikalang gumagapos sa mga bisig ng aking puso at kamalayan.

Ikaw ang nagiisang PUSTA na ang aking buhay ang isusugal, ito man ay magdulot ng kapahamakan.

Ikaw ang maliwanag na BUWAN na nagsisilbing tanglaw sa masukal at taksil na daang nilimot ng mga bituin. 

Ikaw ang SAGOT sa lahat ng tanong na bumabagabag sa aking isipan sa mga gabing binabalisa at hindi makatulog.

Ikaw ang pagsara ng KURTINA sa kwartong niluma ng panahon, na sa huling pagngiti ay bakas ang wagas na kapayapaan.

Sino ang IKAW sa akin?

Ikaw ang PAGASA na matapos ang mahaba at nakakapagal na gabi ay sa kinabukasan ay mayroon paring masasaksihan na pagsikat ng araw.

First day of the rest

 

October 17, 2022

 

A blur of probability

 

 

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/301703361/figure/fig3/AS:358017221578754@1462369365513/Schroedingers-cat-prior-to-measurement-the-cat-is-in-a-superposition-of-the-states-1.png

Tama ka na naman, signor Elio. Heto ang isang aria para sayo

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2RuwAxhr2sQ\

Anti-tulo laway

 

A. Natutulog

B. Nagdadasal

C. Nag sla-slack

D. All of the above

 

 

Let them arrows fly

the fiery arrows that you hurl at me

are nothing compared to the dagger

that i foolishly struck your heart with

so ill keep on pushing forward

until the day i draw the incessant blade

easing you of your pain

First of October

As the nights become longer and the days short

And when my weary old eyes are about to falter

May the memory of today transcend all that is of me

Be the sole recollection that my heart will forever hold

26/100

 

she treads lightly into night and day

calm as the summer Epiphyllum

but vibrant as pansies' polonaise

 

sunrays dare not touch the curls of her hair

and moonbeams refrain to search where she dwells

for heaven knows true where her heart lays bare

 

should a budding rose to seasons concede?

an eclipse may transpire in breathhold's time

a bough to cling on, to bloom and persist

 

An ill-advised change

My liking and fascination to Valda pastilles goes way back during my pre-teen years. I remember my dad giving me and my sister one each of that emerald green, sugar-coated conical mints as he himself indulges on one. Apart from its soothing fresh flavor that isn't too harsh on the taste buds, the pastilles come in an exquisitely designed golden brass tin can. Apparently, the company decided to change the tin can's design to give it perhaps a more modern look. It's a pity since the original printing that I used to know and that I am very fond of is very much superior to the cheap looking current one. Good thing the product itself is the same as before. 

 

Included in this photo is my newly acquired fine nibbed, burgundy Parker jotter fountain pen. This marks the beginning of my journey to the world of fountain pens. My handwriting though, still sucks.

Stairwell to heaven

There is something soothing about stairwells, to me at least. It may seem an uncanny choice for a ‘comfort place’ but my inclination is not unfounded. Perhaps there could even be others just like me. In a fast-paced capitalist world where money is being driven by time, elevators have reduced stairwells as merely movie sets for bust horror flicks. But of course a building plan won’t be approved without them for safety measures like during instances of fires and earthquakes where the use of elevators is never encouraged. Pero men! Sa buong buhay mo gaano kadalas kaba makakaranas ng lindol at sunog sa loob ng isang building? E mas madalas pa siguro yung mga pagkakataon na natutuwa ka sa wifi provider mo kesa yung makaranas ka ng sakuna. In no way am I ridiculing any kind of catastrophe; I’m rather just hitting on the formerly mentioned.

I find solace in stairwells. It gives me the familiar feeling that a church gives; the silence, large glass windows, the way light reflects against the walls and the manner in which sound reverberates.  

 

      

May sumingit pala.

25/100

you're like a warm shower bath
in the wake of the morning
with every drop touching the skin
embraces the heart and eases
the uncertainty that fogs
the inner depths of the soul
as you assure your presence
next to me and within me
despite this unclear longing

that preys on my fragile mind

24/100

There is something

in the cold bitterness
of yesternight's leftover coffee
that reminds me of you.
Henceforth,
I shall do in excess
for tonight's brew.

Still the wonder years

Thank you.

The illusion of fear

Fear is an illusion that serves to protect and preserve. The will to overcome fear may take a great measure but nonetheless never impossible. Just like any other state of mind, a plataeu and instantaneous decline is reached once one is able to accept and take an active risk, be it a success or futile effort. To continue to exist is to continue to fear and overcome fear, a cycle that repeats and evolves. It evolves in a sense that what one has overcome before would never generate the same intensity of fear if perchance the same entity or situation is again encountered. One can never genuinely fear the same thing again and again to the same or greater degree once overcame. However, it is possible for fear to grow if risk is not taken and if denied or ignored relative to time. Why is fear then an illusion? It is an illusion in the basic sense of being a state of 'mind'. It is not something tangible but rather a conception of consciousness, which of course is unique to every individual. Two or more individuals may fear a similar thing in general, but never to the exact parameters. Why do we fear? Obviously, it is a basic instinct for the ultimate goal of survival. Not all fears are born from instinct, some are acquired through experience. Is there then such a thing as genuine fear? It may be conceived that there is but a proof can never be warranted to the limits of counsiousness. Genuine fear is the ultimate end of all fears, and such is death.

Sheesh

I recently skimmed through the 'piles of files' in my trusty old laptop (ever hardy and undying) and came upon a music playlist that I used to listen to when I do my early morning jogs around the famed sunken garden of UP Diliman (...di rin magbabago ang damdamin...). It was a handful of select songs/themes of several 90s super sentai shows that I used to love when I was a kid, plus my ever favorite kamen rider black to which up to this day I still dream of becoming one. 

If you'll be granted one super power, what would that be and why? 

This is a perennial question to kids whose minds are tickled by the provoking adults. As a kid, its either invisibility or the ability to fly for me. But if asked now, my answer would be very much far off. I'd wish for the power to see one's pure intentions.

And the first thing I'll do... 

...is to look into a mirror.

I'm so lost 2022, sheesh. 

Kung nadumihan mo ba yung sabon mo, pwede mo din ba gamitin yung mismong sabon na yun para ipang linis?

Yesterday

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NrgmdOz227I

Wayward Aliaga Bus

 

I have not read Steinbeck's The Wayward Bus nor have I any idea of its plot. Yet for some reason the title of this novel has been lingering in my head for quite a while now. One thing is for sure though: I'll gamble everything that I have for a chance to avail a one way ticket to my very own Salinas. 

And perhaps, never look back.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oextk-If8HQ

Kazahana

can there be truer ___ than that of (for) the wind?

whose presence can't be seen or grasped

but with warmth that embraces the heart

giving life more than its share of fill

perhaps even in places in want?

in a sunny humid place, to a baobab tree

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7MaKmKJqoc

23/100

Coquettish is your smile that wakes my day

Let the morning sun envy you in every way

All hope of the night's tryst is never lost

In the light of dawn, dreams spring to life the most!

Riddle my lips with your sweet, lustful kisses

Each day is but you that my heart yearns and misses

oh sweet gentle unceasing light

unwavering throughout the night

deep in the darkness of this plight

grant my bewildered heart truesight

Masasaid na, Ka Amado

It is indeed during these trying times that a person's mettle is tested and true character is revealed. Such is the realization of the Filipino as firsthand witness to the (in)competence of its nation's congregation of clowns, from the grassroots up to the head honcho. I consider myself an optimist and idealist but if this sideshow we are facing is but a foreshadowing to a more harrowing main act, then I say were doomed. It is not the virus that is to be feared, but a far greater evil. Ang virus ay may bakuna ngunit ang katangahan at kahalangang ng kaluluwa ay wala. May God help our nation.

All parries, no riposte

An Interweaving of Reality and a Dream

I
I again find myself very much conscious of my breathing as if it is entirely voluntary. There is this occasional stream of coldness inside my chest, like an ice chip sliding down my throat. I know these sensations very well and if I were to listen closely, I could hear the rhythmic beating of my heart. Time appears to tick slower than usual, painfully.

II
I imagine myself running through an endless greenfield, blindly following a narrow and straight path. I run tirelessly on a steady pace while looking at a seemingly unending sea of green. I only look straight ahead, never bothering to look back.

III
My mind is spotless as never before and not even a slight thought dares to blemish it. Eventually I feel nothing as my mind denies everything. Have I been reduced to an animate soulless object? Or is it perhaps a connivance of the body, mind, and soul with the intent to fool my being for the purpose of self preservation?

IV
Suddenly, all nothingness crumble with a gentle knock on the accordion door. A wild masked LesBear appears whose presence shook and united all three (body, mind, and soul) back to their proper place in the dim lit cubicle.

V
Ang importante sa ultrasound ay alamin mo muna yung mga normal values/dimensions ng mga organs katulad ng sabi sakin ni doc Justin.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRdj8MRj9Js

Ang buhay na di kinikilatis ay buhay slap soil

I was probably 9 then when I first drew a bust of the old man Socrates and of course had my very own rendering of  the Jacques-Louis David. But more than the old grumpy face or the poison hemlock story, it was the quote "the unexamined life is not worth living" that stuck to me. Matik na yun. The unexamined life is not worth living? Si Socrates yan! Kung di ako nagkakamali, yan yung pinaka unang entry namin ni ate sa The Great Quotations namin na notebook (isa sa mga requirements sa wailing packed summer class namin with daddy... oh the good ol days). Id like to think that those were just meaningless words to me then. Unfortunately, it wasn't the case. I was a brooding gentleman (he he). Kung anime ako, ako yung tipong napapalibutan ng maitim na aura sa buong katawan habang nakaupo sa isang sulok. Pero siyempre sa panglabas lang yun, iba na ang usapan pagdating sa kaloob looban. Anyway ibang istorya yan and Im not to talk about that here. Going back to Socrates and the unexamined life, for some reason naging habit ko tuwing nasa klase ko na banggitin sa sarili ko yung quote na yun. Lalo na pag recess habang nakadukdok sa aking arm rest o kaya naman habang mala sundalong nag pa-pacing with matching day dreaming. May pakumpas kumpas pa ng mga kamay kung minsan.

 https://images.metmuseum.org/CRDImages/ep/original/DP-13139-001.jpg

The Death of Socrates (1787) by Jacques-Louis David 

The unexamined life is not worth living. Ang buhay na di kinikilatis ay buhay slap soil. Pero kung panay kilatis lang, pano na lang yung essence ng living? Ika nga ni Kierkegaard, pinasok ko ang daliri ko sa aking singit, inamoy, at alas! walang angis! Okay joke lang pero parang ganyan na din ang sinabi niya.

つづく

Para sa bayan!

Effortless

Grabe... mag hahating gabi na ayaw pa din ako dalawin ng antok. E ang huling inom ko ng kape ay mga alas singko pa ng hapon. Duty pa naman ulit ako bukas. Lagot na naman. Ang hindi ko maintindihan ay kung bakit kung kelan kailangan ako gising saka ako sobrang inaantok at kung kelan ako dapat tulog siya namang sobrang ligalig ng diwa ko. Ang nakaka shookt pa niyan e kahit ilang kape inumin ko pag nasa ospital ako e di ako tinatablan at lalo pa nga yata ako hinehele ng antok. Isang kabalintunaan... ako ay isang kabalintunaan. My mind is a mess, obviously. But I'd rather not dwell much on it and dig a deeper hole for myself. Bahala na si Brahms... 10 hours na Brahms para sa kinabukasan. Ako ay matutulog di para sa sarili ko kundi para sa bayan. Para sa bayan!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gYX_H8Qb-TQ&t=403s

22/100

glimmering green light
across the shore
for a moment longer
will you shine a little bit more?
while these eyes arent weary
hope can only hold as much
void that it can carry

----------------------------------

 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=siO6dkqidc4

Nawawala

Kung may makakita, hayaan lang.

Camden's Pudding

Its been a month since Proclamation 922, a.k.a. the Luzon lockdown, was enforced as brought about by the infamous pandemia. This definitely would define (my) generation to which I share to the unblemished minds of the not so fortunate Covid Bryant and Coviduvidapdap. The whole world was caught off guard by the invisible virus queen, feeding on the helpless cells of humankind. To the queen, no cell is rich or poor; all are equal to her eyes.

What easily comes to the playful mind is the likeness to the fictional Umbrella corp of the Resident Evil franchise. A conspiracy theory to many but these days nothing really is far-fetched or impossible. There even looms the possibility of an impending third world war. I just read in the news that Germany is poised into buying state-of -the-art fighter jets amid their fair share of the global crisis. The pull-out of first world economies in China was probably unforeseen by the asian Wesker.

To be... or not to be.

Both Sides Now

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pbn6a0AFfnM

itim at puti

tulad ng mga talang nananalamin

sa natutulog na dagat

sa rurok ng dilim

at sa bawat pagdaan 

ng banayad na alon

wariy nagkikislapang mga ngiti

ala alang di mapagtagpitagpi

5cm/sec

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BqFftJDXii0

'Anywhere, anywhere. I dont know.'

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UIgKfnRuxVc

Come Inside of my Heart

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izVXgdiTcQ8

 

Of fermented honey and cacao tablets

"...she broke wind in pestilential explosions that startled the mastiffs."

Una Palabra

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a9Urj7-e_RA

hunting on a lonely hill

callused knees of dusk
crawling religiously
to the wellspring of
every beginning
but everything slips
through the hands of time
and nothing lingers
to witness the firstlight

Somewhere in Time

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QPROkOaqE_4

Lost in translation

I will pick all the stars in the night sky

Bundle them into a bouquet

Offer them to you, my Dear

With all the love one heart can convey

I'll rest one knee on thoughts of you

And gaze my earnest eyes towards yours

But will you come to accept, my Dear

These held up hands that are bare?

Santayana

The wind blows differently

A sweet sifting scent of jasmine tea

An unfamiliar robin’s song

To days growing seemingly long

This downhill path slopes familiar

A shade of yesteryear’s caterpillar

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=52zsQy6z5FI